I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!

As a matter of fact, I do own the road.

Do Not Disturb... Occupant is disturbed enough already

Horn broken - Watch for finger

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

I have a nice body, and its in my trunk.

I have good Brakes, Do you have GOOD Insurance?

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

I LIKE CATS! They taste just like chicken.

I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.

I want to be Barbie! The bitch has everything!

If everything is coming your way, youre in the wrong lane!

Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control!

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary system and thise who don't.

Ever had a loaded weapon pointed at you.....Keep honking.

You are driving a car not a phone booth!

Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.

Cancer cures smoking.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case …coincidence?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Don't blame me, I didn't vote for his daddy, either!

Nice front bumper you've got there. Shame if something happened to it....

Vegetables aren't food. Vegetables are what food eats.

The way to a man's heart is between the fourth and fifth ribs

Remember when Windows were washed, mice were trapped, and UNIX guarded the harem?

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- Sleep till noon

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy!

Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is bad for you!

B.S. (Phys): Why does it work? B.S. (Engr): How does it work? B.A. (Acctg): How much will it cost? B.A. (Arts) You want fries with that?

People are more passionately opposed to wearing fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than bikers.

WARNING! Dates in calendar are closer than they appear!


I get along with God just fine. It's his fan clubs that I can't stand.

The fact that no one understands you does NOT make you an Artist!

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be Evil