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Тема: Оцените эссе для программы Fulbtight.

  1. #1
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    Оцените эссе для программы Fulbtight.

    Здравствуйте,
    Буду признательна за ваши комментарии к Study Objective и Personal Statement для программы Fulbtight.

    --
    Study Objective

    My name is ***. I would like to pursue master's degree of Business Analyst in the field of Information Science. As follows study background, professional experience, and goals, incited me to apply for the education in the USA.

    I was born and grew up in a city of ***, which is a capital of a region in the south of Russia. My interest to learn is an integral part of my personality from early school years. A year after a year at school and in university I proved to get excellent marks steadily. Besides the classes, I took part in competitions and conferences at school, city, and regional level.
    Choosing a path of education I was driven by the interest to know how one can succeed in contemporary market economy. Good analytical skills and creative thinking became a starting point on the way to my bachelor’s degree in marketing. As a diligent student, I graduated with high GPA and got Diploma with honors.

    Participation in the conference “Student research – potential of Russian science development” was one the most important events in my university activities. There I successfully presented results of my research and communicated with other researchers. As well, I've got an opportunity to write articles for the university annual edition “Alma Mater”.

    Desire to master my English language skills turned into getting a certificate of "Translator in the field of professional communication". This extended education program helped me to discover and learn subtleties of Business communication. As a regular participant of the United Nations Models, I practiced business communication skills in English language.

    With assistant’s position in the regional Economic Development Agency, I stepped into the practical world. There I was involved in development planning for unoccupied regional territories. I had regular opportunities to visit facilities of the leading enterprises of our region and to meet with representatives of investors on International Investment Forum. This activity helped me to understand the importance of business processes optimization as a core of high productivity. Again, I’ve been convinced of the need to deepen my knowledge in this field.

    My first touch with business processes happened when I worked in the Internet agency. There I contributed to analysis and optimization of agency's simple workflow. As a result, we increased the speed of work on projects which increased profits of the agency considerably.

    Eventually, all my inquisitions draw me to a conclusion that many Russian enterprises need a consulting support to optimize production and business processes. This prospective incites me to pursue master's degree in Business Analytics. The program incorporates knowledge from a variety of disciplines such as system analysis, decision science, data mining, information science, computer science, and marketing. Completing the program successfully I'll obtain considerable skills, that will help me to make sound decisions as a business analyst and consultant.



    When back to Russia, first I plan to seek employment as a business analyst in banking structure with concentration in banking applications and Customer Relationship Management systems (CRM). This kind of professional experience fortified with master's degree knowledge will open me way to the field of business consulting and coaching. My ability to share a knowledge in open and confident manner will help me to pass the best experience to my students and clients. I truly hope that qualitative consulting aid will cause a positive impact on labor productivity on the microeconomic level. State institutions are one more category that needs optimization of business processes and integration of CRM systems. With this vision, I'd like to contribute to the further economic development of Russia.

    Participation in Fulbright program is my chance to learn about optimization of business processes in the USA - the country with the highest rate of productivity and the fastest speed of transaction processing. It is to mention high-quality education in the USA as one more reason for me to apply. Good English language skills will help me to fit the student world in the USA easily. Studying in the country with leading economy system will enrich my understanding of sustainability of the USA in the economic development. In my turn, I'll try my best to implement all the knowledge and experience to contribute to the growth of Russian economy.

    --

    Personal Statement

    “Think globally, act locally” (Patrick Geddes)
    My name is ***. The personal statement will guide you through circumstances incited me to pursue the master's degree of Business Analyst in the field of Information Science in the USA.

    I was born and grew up in a city of Krasnodar, which is a capital of a region in the south of Russia. Being a child, you only dream of new toys, candies and adventures with friends. And so did I when a politic situation in my country changed drastically. A wind of changes with no obstacle of an iron curtain altered the image of the country extremely. What can become a driving force for Russia's long-term sustainable development? How can the country harness its potential to be more effective? These and many other questions puzzled the government and the answer ultimately took the form of the word "productivity". Russia needs a new strategy of economic growth, based on the labor productivity that would exempt the country from the export dependency.

    The questions of effectiveness and successful application of one's advantages often stirred my mind as well. What can make one company more competitive than other? How can it use advantages to fit a market situation the best possible way? Passion for finding the answers helped me to choose marketing as a field of my professional development. Both in school and university I worked hard and proved to be a successful student. It resulted in the high GPA and Diploma with honors.
    Natural curiosity and good English language skills incited me to go beyond the syllabus and review many foreign sources related to marketing. Marketing management became a subject of my special interest. Back then, I was impressed by the way business processes optimization can affect productivity of the enterprise.

    Dynamic life outside of the academics helped me to build relationships not only with teachers and classmates. As a participant of a scientific conference, I presented results of my research and communicated with another colleagues-researchers. Afterward, I was granted an opportunity to write articles for the university annual edition “Alma Mater”. It was a special experience for me to participate in the inter-university United Nations models. All the meetings were held in English language, where students could practice their business communication and teamwork skills.

    My passion for practicing English language always motivated me to attend English clubs, where I could meet and communicate with people from different cultures. One more way to plunge into English speaking environment was helping to organize movie-nights for students. There we could watch movies and discuss them with English speakers. I’m always glad to share my knowledge and I have a chance to do it, volunteering as a counselor in English language camps for kids and teenagers. There I assisted in their daily life and communication with English speakers.

    When I entered doors of an Economic Development Agency, the new chapter of my life began. As a member of the marketing department, I assisted in a development of the marketing part of business plans. Main task of the agency was drawing investors' attention to vacant regional areas. Local affiliates of the international companies kindly organized walking tours in the production facilities for us. There I could see clear examples of the quality management and optimization of business processes, as a cornerstone of high productivity. One of the places where the agency could find potential investors, was International Investment Forum. There I could interact with representatives of investors from different countries. When asked, what is the primary aspect of an effective business, many of them specified well-tuned business processes. And one more puzzle set fire to my mind: this is the field I must direct my steps to.

    My further working experience in the Internet agency became a great opportunity to deal with business processes optimization. As a part of the project team, I was involved in an analysis of the current workflow and its’ further optimization. Newly documented algorithms of work helped the agency to accomplish more projects at the same period of time and increase the revenue considerably.

    Looking back, I can see how all the puzzles form now the distinct image: my first subtle ideas and assumptions of what can improve competitiveness turned into a vision and basic skills to be enhanced considerably. This need motivates me to pursue master’s degree in Business Analytics as a participant of Fulbright program. Strong skills of a business analyst fortified with master's degree knowledge will open me way to the field of business consulting and coaching. There I will share my best knowledge and experience with students, companies and state institutions intending to enhance its productivity. I truly believe, that qualitative training and consulting aid will help to improve productivity indexes on the microeconomic level. With this goal in mind, I hope to contribute to the further sustainable economic development of Russia.


  2. Бронирование Отелей в США
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  3. #2
    Модератор Аватар для Lucy
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    Re: Оцените эссе для программы Fulbtight.

    Если честно, то английский - очень корявенький. Много стилистических и грамматических ошибок.


    Desire to master my English language skills turned into getting a certificate of "Translator in the field of professional communication".
    sigh....
    23 годa в США and counting!

  4. #3
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    Re: Оцените эссе для программы Fulbtight.

    Вообще хорошо, чувствуется практический опыт и постановка цели конкретная. Английский конечно лучше, чем у наших китайских товарищей, но аборигенов тоже со счетов не сбрасывайте. Отройте native speaker'а и доработайте напильником.

    З.Ы. Не значал, что и такие магистерские программы есть. У них не попадаются стипендии для иностранцев? А то Фулбрайт же высылает домой после окончания (это минус, только при желании остаться конечно). И у меня сложилось впечатление, что Фулбрайт и прочие прораммы как-то сильно наклоенены в плоскость гуманитарных наук...

  5. #4
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    Re: Оцените эссе для программы Fulbtight.

    I was born and grew up in a city of ***, which is a capital of a region in the south of Russia. My interest to learn is an integral part of my personality from early school years. A year after a year at school and in university I proved to get excellent marks steadily. Besides the classes, I took part in competitions and conferences at school, city, and regional level.
    -->Personal Statement.
    As a diligent student, I graduated with high GPA and got Diploma with honors.
    Так какое у вас конкретно обрaзование на данный момент?
    Participation in the conference “Student research – potential of Russian science development” was one the most important events in my university activities. There I successfully presented results of my research and communicated with other researchers.
    Так для вас было важным в конференции поучаствовать (что практически ничего не значит) или результатами исследований (которые важны для подобных программ, а о них ни слова!) поделиться. Исследованиями чего конкретно вы занимались? Результаты какие были?
    As well, I've got an opportunity to write articles for the university annual edition “Alma Mater”.
    О чем конкретно?
    There I was involved in development planning for unoccupied regional territories. I had regular opportunities to visit facilities of the leading enterprises of our region
    Примеры. Иначе блабла.
    Personal Statement
    Решите, что идет в Study Objective, а что в Personal Statement. И уберите повторения.
    Daria Kurdik likes this.
    "Мы все плод больной фантазии... Лечить нас надо:-). Пошла помою туалет:-)" (c)uienifer
    Доктор пилЮлькин

  6. #5
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    Re: Оцените эссе для программы Fulbtight.

    Найдите кого-нибудь, кто выправит все ошибки. Учитывая полную ж...(зачеркнуто) беду с артиклями, их много у вас.

  7. #6
    Гражданин Аватар для tranquil
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    Re: Оцените эссе для программы Fulbtight.

    буквоеды
    UNCOMMON VALOR WAS A COMMON VIRTUE

  8. #7
    Гражданин Аватар для mockinbird
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    Re: Оцените эссе для программы Fulbtight.

    Программа называется Fulbright...
    Melisanta and Rozboris like this.
    "It always seems impossible until it's done" © Nelson Mandela.

  9. #8
    Гражданин Аватар для Melisanta
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    Re: Оцените эссе для программы Fulbtight.

    Цитата Сообщение от mockinbird Посмотреть сообщение
    Программа называется Fulbright...
    Это просто…убила.
    Бог любит атеистов более прочих, ибо они не достают его своими просьбами.

  10. #9
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    Благодарю вас за ответы!
    Ваше мнение очень важно для меня. Буду работать над правками.

    Юлик, благодарю вас за подробный разбор, учту в правках.

    Цитата Сообщение от demon progress Посмотреть сообщение
    Вообще хорошо, чувствуется практический опыт и постановка цели конкретная. Английский конечно лучше, чем у наших китайских товарищей, но аборигенов тоже со счетов не сбрасывайте. Отройте native speaker'а и доработайте напильником.

    З.Ы. Не значал, что и такие магистерские программы есть. У них не попадаются стипендии для иностранцев? А то Фулбрайт же высылает домой после окончания (это минус, только при желании остаться конечно). И у меня сложилось впечатление, что Фулбрайт и прочие прораммы как-то сильно наклоенены в плоскость гуманитарных наук...
    Благодарю вас за совет. Предстоит еще полировать

    Вы знаете, в программе есть дисциплина Information Science. Это довольно широкое поле знаний, включающее разные дисциплины. Выдержка из Википедии: Information science is often (mistakenly) considered a branch of Library science; however, it predates computer science and is actually a broad, interdisciplinary field, incorporating not only aspects of computer science, but often diverse fields such as archival science, cognitive science, commerce, communications, law, library science, museology, management, mathematics, philosophy, public policy, and the social sciences.

    По этой причине я выбрала бизнес-аналитику как направление системного анализа в составе области знаний "Информатика" (Information Science). Как-то так
    Последний раз редактировалось Юлик; 27.02.2015 в 19:12.

  11. #10
    Гражданин Аватар для briv
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    Re: Оцените эссе для программы Fulbtight.

    Booking.com
    Цитата Сообщение от Daria Kurdik Посмотреть сообщение
    Вы знаете, в программе есть дисциплина Information Science. Это довольно широкое поле знаний, включающее разные дисциплины. Выдержка из Википедии ...
    Я бы смотрел не в Вики, а как они конкретно описывают это в программе, вы же не в Википедии собераетесь учиться.

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