Страница 7 из 7 Первая 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Показано с 61 по 67 из 67
Like Tree13Likes

Тема: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

  1. #61
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
    Регистрация
    21.01.2008
    Адрес
    Керчь -> Киев -> Одесса -> Salem, OR -> Hawaii
    Возраст
    46
    Сообщений
    2,919
    Записей в дневнике
    1
    Спасибо
    5,298
    Сказали 2,538 раз в 982 постах

    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered:
    - Hello?
    Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked:
    - Is your Daddy home?
    - Yes, - whispered the small voice.
    - May I talk with him? - the man asked.
    To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered:
    - No.
    Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked:
    - Is your Mommy there?
    - Yes, - came the answer.
    - May I talk with her?
    Again the small voice whispered:
    - No.
    Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
    - Is there anyone there besides you? - the boss asked the child.
    - Yes, - whispered the child, - a policeman.
    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked:
    - May I speak with the policeman?
    - No, he's busy, - whispered the child.
    - Busy doing what? - asked the boss.
    - Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, - came the whispered answer.
    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked:
    - What is that noise?
    - A hello-copper, - answered the whispering voice.
    - What is going on there? - asked the boss, now alarmed.
    In an awed whispering voice, the child answered:
    - The search team just landed the hello-copper.
    Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked:
    - What are they searching for?
    Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
    - Me.



    ***

    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
    The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. "
    The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'. "
    The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'. "
    The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'. "
    Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........? "
    She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
    When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God. "


    Последние анекдоты я копирую с этого сайта. Там много разнообразного материала для изучения английского. Ничего лучшего я пока не встречал. Бесплатной версии вполне достаточно. Рекомендую.
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  2. Эти пользователи сказали Спасибо Vasil за этот пост:

    mari4ka (07.09.2012)

  3. Бронирование Отелей в США
    Circuit advertisement
    Регистрация
    Always
    Адрес
    Advertising world
    Возраст
    2010
    Сообщений
    Many




     

  4. #62
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
    Регистрация
    21.01.2008
    Адрес
    Керчь -> Киев -> Одесса -> Salem, OR -> Hawaii
    Возраст
    46
    Сообщений
    2,919
    Записей в дневнике
    1
    Спасибо
    5,298
    Сказали 2,538 раз в 982 постах

    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow..
    The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow
    sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day.. "
    The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panter on TV..
    Last was the Indian: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green green", I "pink" up the phone and I say "Yellow"

    ***

    The husband wakes up after a carousal, he looks is washed, stroked, hung up, breakfast and a beer bottle is on the table. The wife went to work, without telling words, without a hysterics.
    - Son, what was yesterday?
    - Father, you came at two o'clock in the morning, drunk in stuff, fell to bed. And when mother tried to undress you, you said: Don't touch me, bitch, I am MARRIED!

    ***

    Today I studied famous melody from Titanic in my bathroom. I was so exciting by learning it that heard nothing. I came to one's senses from loud knock in wall and scream "When will you have drowned ?

    ***

    I drove on a highway heading toward Atlantic City, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: «Hi, how are you doing? »
    Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in public comfort stations, and I really don’t know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: «Not bad. »
    And the stranger said: «And, what are you up to? »
    Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird!
    So I said: «Well, just like you I am driving east? »
    Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say: «Look, I’ll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you. Bye! »
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  5. #63
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
    Регистрация
    21.01.2008
    Адрес
    Керчь -> Киев -> Одесса -> Salem, OR -> Hawaii
    Возраст
    46
    Сообщений
    2,919
    Записей в дневнике
    1
    Спасибо
    5,298
    Сказали 2,538 раз в 982 постах

    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    Angela Merkel arrives at Athens airport. "Nationality? " she's asked at immigration. "German," she replies. "Occupation? " he asks. "No, just visiting for a few days.. "

    ***

    Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.
    "Okay," says the first, "I've never told anybody I'm a gay! "
    The second confesses, "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife. "
    The third, Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell you... "
    "Don't be shy," the two friends said.
    "Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."

    ***

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are taking a trip across a desert by hot-air balloon. There are not many landmarks; so eventually, they become lost. Luckily, while flying quite low, they see a man.

    Holmes shouts, "Sir, could you please tell me where we are? "

    The man looks up, ponders for a moment, and then answers, "Gentlemen, you are in a hot-air balloon! "

    At this moment, a burst of wind picks up the balloon and carries it away.

    Holmes turns to Watson and asks: "My friend, do you know who that man is? "

    "No, Holmes, of course not! "

    "He's a mathematician! "

    "Holmes, that's incredible! But *how* do you know? "

    "It's very simple, Watson. First of all, the man thought before giving us an answer. Secondly, his answer was absolutely correct. And thirdly, the answer he gave us was of no practical use, whatsoever! "
    Полностью освоили страницу, поняли смысл, перевели все незнакомые слова? Жмите!
    Стр. на освоении
    eventually – в конце концовнар.
    quite – вполненар.
    burst – вспышка
    thought – мысль ; думал ( verb 2/3 от think)
    whatsoever – вообще
    На изучение
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  6. #64
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
    Регистрация
    21.01.2008
    Адрес
    Керчь -> Киев -> Одесса -> Salem, OR -> Hawaii
    Возраст
    46
    Сообщений
    2,919
    Записей в дневнике
    1
    Спасибо
    5,298
    Сказали 2,538 раз в 982 постах

    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they? " Grandpa replies, "Nope. " Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex? " Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring. "

    ***

    My wife asked me,
    -“What do you like most about me, babe; my pretty face or
    my sexy body? ”
    I looked her over from head to toe and
    replied,
    -“I like your sense of humor. ”
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  7. #65
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
    Регистрация
    21.01.2008
    Адрес
    Керчь -> Киев -> Одесса -> Salem, OR -> Hawaii
    Возраст
    46
    Сообщений
    2,919
    Записей в дневнике
    1
    Спасибо
    5,298
    Сказали 2,538 раз в 982 постах

    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
    A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one? " The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure! "

    The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352. "

    This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O. K. , I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock. "

    The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

    When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O. K. , now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back? "

    ***

    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
    She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up! " After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
    The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? " "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself! "

    ***

    A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. " He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero". The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week. " The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want. " Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me? "

    The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool. "
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  8. #66
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
    Регистрация
    21.01.2008
    Адрес
    Керчь -> Киев -> Одесса -> Salem, OR -> Hawaii
    Возраст
    46
    Сообщений
    2,919
    Записей в дневнике
    1
    Спасибо
    5,298
    Сказали 2,538 раз в 982 постах

    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

    The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store,
    do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from dog’s owner? ”

    The lawyer answers, “Absolutely. ”

    “Then you owe me $12. 50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. ”

    The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12. 50.

    A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: “$45 due for consultation”.

    ***

    A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience? " The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. " His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today? " The kid says, "One. " The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? " Kid says, "$101,237. 64. " Boss says, "$101,237. 64? What the hell did you sell? "
    Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer. " The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck? "
    Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  9. Эти пользователи сказали Спасибо Vasil за этот пост:

    Katerinovna (12.10.2012)

  10. #67
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
    Регистрация
    21.01.2008
    Адрес
    Керчь -> Киев -> Одесса -> Salem, OR -> Hawaii
    Возраст
    46
    Сообщений
    2,919
    Записей в дневнике
    1
    Спасибо
    5,298
    Сказали 2,538 раз в 982 постах

    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    Booking.com
    Do you have an email address?

    An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

    The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5. 35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day. "

    Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

    To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day. "

    Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

    During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

    Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

    At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

    By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

    Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

    Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

    When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago! "

    "Ha! " snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5. 35 an hour. "

    Which brings us to the moral of the story:

    Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
    Vishnevaya likes this.
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  11. Эти пользователи сказали Спасибо Vasil за этот пост:

    Vishnevaya (05.10.2015)

Страница 7 из 7 Первая 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Информация о теме

Пользователи, просматривающие эту тему

Эту тему просматривают: 1 (пользователей: 0 , гостей: 1)

Visitors found this page by searching for:

Make me move

перевод анегдота. a man had been drinking

анекдот про новый год на английском 5 класс маленькие

The Policeman and the Thief перевод анекдота

Социальные закладки

Социальные закладки

Ваши права

  • Вы не можете создавать новые темы
  • Вы не можете отвечать в темах
  • Вы не можете прикреплять вложения
  • Вы не можете редактировать свои сообщения
  •  

Форум "Говорим про Америку"
Форум "Говорим про Америку" Facebook