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Тема: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

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    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
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    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house (полицейская машина останавливается напротив дома бабушки Бесси) , and grandpa Morris gets out (и дедушка Моррис выходит) .
    The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park… (вежливый, обходительный полицейский объяснил, что этот пожилой господин сказал, что он потерялся в парке) and couldn't find his way home (и не мог найти дорогу домой) .
    "Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! (ты ходил в этот парк больше 30 лет) So how could you get lost? (как ты мог потеряться) "
    Leaning close to grandma (наклоняясь близко к бабушке) , so that the policeman couldn't hear (так, чтобы полицейский не мог слышать) , Morris whispered (прошептал) ," I wasn't lost… I was just too tired to walk home(я был слишком усталым, чтобы идти домой /пешком/) ."

    A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.
    "Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"
    Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost… I was just too tired to walk home."

    I was just too tired to walk.

    A rabbi and a priest are driving one day (раввин и священник едут однажды /на автомобилях/) and, by a freak accident ("по иронии судьбы", по причудливой случайности) , have a head–on collision with tremendous force ("имеют" лобовое столкновение со страшной силой; tremendous — жуткий, потрясающий) . Both cars are totally demolished (обе машины совершенно разбиты; to demolish — разрушать) , but amazingly (но удивительно) , neither of the clerics has a scratch on him (ни у кого из священнослужителей нет даже царапины) .
    After they crawl out of their cars (после того, как они выползают из своих машин) , the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says (раввин видит воротничок священника и говорит) , "So you're a priest(так вы священник) . I'm a rabbi (я раввин) .
    Just look at our cars (посмотрите на наши машины) .
    There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt (/от них/ ничего не осталось, а мы здесь, невредимы; to hurt — причинить боль, ранить) .
    This must be a sign from God! (это должен быть = это, должно быть, знак Божий) "
    Pointing to the sky, he continues (показывая на небо, он продолжает) , "God must have meant that we should meet (Бог, должно быть, подразумевал, что мы встретимся) and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth (и разделим = проведем "наши жизни" в мире и дружбе до конца наших дней на Земле) ."
    The priest replies, "I agree with you completely (я согласен с вами полностью) .
    This must surely (конечно) be a sign from God!"
    The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims (смотрит на свою машину и восклицает) , "And look at this! (а посмотрите на это)
    Here's another miracle! (вот другое = еще одно чудо)
    My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine did not break (моя машина совершенно разбита, но эта бутылка вина не разбилась) .
    Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune (конечно, Господь хочет, чтобы мы выпили это вино и отметили нашу благую судьбу; to celebrate — праздновать) ."
    The priest nods in agreement (кивает в знак согласия) .
    The rabbi hands (дает, передает) the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle (пьет полбутылки) and hands the bottle back (обратно) to the rabbi.
    The rabbi takes (берет) the bottle and immediately puts the cap on (тут же надевает крышку) , then hands it back to the priest.
    The priest, baffled (сбитый с толку) , asks (спрашивает) , "Aren't you having any, rabbi? (а разве вы не будете немного, рабби) "
    The rabbi replies, "Nah… I think I'll wait for the police (нет, я думаю, я подожду полицию) ."

    A rabbi and a priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head–on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
    After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
    Just look at our cars.
    There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
    This must be a sign from God!"
    Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
    The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
    This must surely be a sign from God!"
    The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
    Here's another miracle!
    My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine did not break.
    Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
    The priest nods in agreement.
    The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
    The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
    The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, rabbi?"
    The rabbi replies, "Nah… I think I'll wait for the police."

    I agree with you completely.
    Aren't you having any?

    Juggler (жонглер) , driving to his next performance (ехавший на свое очередное выступление) , was stopped by the police (был остановлен полицией) . "What are those knives doing in your car?(что эти ножи делают в вашей машине) " asked the officer (спросил офицер) .
    "I juggle them in my act (я жонглирую ими в моем номере) ."
    "Oh yeah?" says the cop (говорит полицейский) . "Let's see you do it (посмотрим = покажи, как ты это делаешь) ."
    So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives (и жонглер начинает подбрасывать ножи и жонглировать ими) .
    A guy driving by (человек, проезжающий мимо) sees this (видит это) and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking (я рад, что я бросил пить) . Look at the test they're making you do now! (посмотри на тест, который они заставляют тебя пройти теперь) "

    Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
    "I juggle them in my act."
    "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it."
    So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
    A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"

    Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.

    A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here (здесь говорится) that you should be wearing glasses (что вы должны носить очки) ."
    The woman answered (женщина ответила) , "Well, I have contacts (ну, у меня контакты = контактные линзы) ."
    The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! (мне все равно, кого вы знаете, с кем вы знакомы) You're getting a ticket! (вы получаете штрафной талон) "



    A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
    The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
    The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

    Well, I have contacts.

    Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older (три дамы обсуждали трудности старения = связанные со старением; travail — тяжелый труд; усилие, напряжение ['tr&veIl]) . One said (одна сказала) , "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand (иногда я обнаруживаю: «ловлю» себя с банкой майонеза в руке) , while standing in front of the refrigerator (стоящей напротив холодильника) , and I can't remember whether I need to put it away (и я не могу вспомнить, должна ли я убрать его) , or start making a sandwich (или начать делать сандвич) ."
    The second (вторая) lady chimed in with (вступила /в разговор/; chime — перезвон колоколов; to chime — выбивать /мелодию/, отбивать /часы/, звучать согласно) , "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs (да, иногда я нахожу себя на лестничной площадке) and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down (и не могу вспомнить была ли я "на пути" наверх или "на пути" вниз) ."
    The third one responded (третья ответила) , "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem (ну, леди, я рада, что у меня нет этой проблемы) . Knock on wood (постучу, /надо/ постучать по дереву) ," as she rapped her knuckles on the table (тут она постучала костяшками пальцев по столу) , and then said, "That must be the door (это должно быть дверь) , I'll get it! (я открою) "

    Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
    The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
    The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

    I'll get it!

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway (когда пожилой гражданин ехал по автостраде) , his car phone rang (его телефон зазвонил /to ring–rang–rung/) . Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him (взяв трубку: «отвечая», он услышал голос его жены, настоятельно предупреждающей его) , "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 (Герман, я сейчас слышала в новостях, что "есть" машина, едущая по встречной полосе на шоссе 280) . Please be careful! (пожалуйста, будь осторожен) "
    "Heck (черт) ," said Herman, "It's not just one car (это не одна машина) . It's hundreds of them! (их сотни) "

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
    "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

    Please be careful!

    An 80–year–old couple were having problems remembering things (одна восьмидесятитилетняя пара "имела проблемы" = испытывала затруднения с запоминанием "вещей") , so they decided to go to their doctor (и они решили пойти к их врачу) to get checked out ("стать проверенными" = чтобы их проверили) to make sure nothing was wrong with them (чтобы убедиться, что у них все в порядке; nothing — ничто, ничего; wrong — неправильно) . When they arrived at the doctor's (когда они пришли к доктору; to arrive — прибывать) , they explained (они объяснили) to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory (о проблемах, которые они переживали со своей памятью) .
    After checking the couple out (после проверки пары) , the doctor tells them that they were physically okay (доктор говорит им, что физически они в порядке) but might start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things (но могут начать записывать "вещи" и писать записки, чтобы помочь им запомнить /некоторые/ вещи) . The couple thanked the doctor and left (пара поблагодарила доктора и ушла /to leave–left–left — покидать/) .
    Later that night while watching TV (позже тем же вечером, смотря телевизор) , the old man got up from his chair (старик встал со стула) and his wife asks (и его жена спрашивает) , "Where are you going? (куда ты идешь) "
    He replies, "To the kitchen (на кухню) ."
    She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? (ты не принесешь мне порцию мороженого; bowl — чашка) "
    He replies, "Sure (конечно) ."
    She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? (ты не думаешь, что тебе нужно это записать, чтобы ты смог это запомнить) "
    He says, "No, I can remember that (нет, я могу это запомнить) ."
    She then (затем) says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top (ну, еще, я хотела бы несколько клубничек сверху) . You'd better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that (тебе бы лучше это записать, потому что я знаю, ты это забудешь) ."
    He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
    She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top (взбитые сливки наверху; whip — кнут, хлыст; to whip — хлестать; взбивать) . I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
    With irritation in his voice (с раздражением в голосе) , he says, "I don't need to write that down (мне не нужно то записывать) , I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen (он затем испаряется на кухню) .
    After about 20 minutes (через, примерно, двадцать минут) he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs (он возвращается из кухни и протягивает ей тарелку с беконом и яйцами) .
    She stares at the plate for a moment and says (она смотрит на тарелку с секунду и говорит) , "You forgot my toast (ты забыл мой тост) ."

    An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
    After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
    Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
    He replies, "To the kitchen."
    She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
    He replies, "Sure."
    She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
    He says, "No, I can remember that."
    She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."
    He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
    She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
    With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
    After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
    She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

    Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?
    Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

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  4. #12
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
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    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home (три старика сидят на веранде дома для престарелых) . The first says (первый говорит) , "Fellas (парни /небрежно/; fellow — парень) , I got real problems (у меня серьезные проблемы) . I'm seventy years old (мне семьдесят) . Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate (каждое утро в семь часов я встаю и пытаюсь помочиться) . All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps (мне дают все виды лекарств = самые разные лекарства, но ничего не помогает) ."
    The second (второй) old man says, "You think you have problems (ты думаешь, у тебя проблемы) . I'm eighty years old (мне восемьдесят) . Every morning at 8:00 (каждое утро в восемь) I get up and try to move my bowels (я встаю и пытаюсь покакать: «двинуть мои кишки») . I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps (они дают мне все типы лекарств; stuff — материал, вещество, часто употребляется в значении "все такое"; но ничего не помогает) ."
    Finally the third old man speaks up (наконец, третий старик заговаривает) , "Fellas, I'm ninety years old (мне девяносто) . Every morning at 7:00 sharp (ровно; sharp – острый; точно, ровно) I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up (просыпаюсь) ."

    Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
    The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
    Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

    I got real problems.
    They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.
    Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.

    A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary (пара идет на ужин отметить свою пятидесятилетнюю годовщину свадьбы; anniversary [@nI'v@r)s(@)rI]) . On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye (по дороге домой она замечает слезу в его глазу) and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together (и спрашивает, не потому ли он расчувствовался, что они отмечают 50 чудесных лет вместе) .
    He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married (нет, я думал о времени перед тем, как мы поженились) . Your father threatened me with a shotgun (твой отец угрожал мне ружьем: to shoot /shot–shot/ - стрелять + gun — ружье) and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years (и сказал, что он бросит меня в тюрьму на 50 лет /to throw–threw–thrown/) if I didn't marry you (если я не женюсь на тебе) . Tomorrow I would've been a free man! (завтра я был бы свободным человеком) "

    A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
    He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

    I was thinking about the time before we got married.

    An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years (пожилая вдова и вдовец встречались около пяти лет) . The man finally decided to ask her to marry (мужчина наконец решил просить ее руки) . She immediately said "yes" (она тут же сказала "да"; immediately [I'mi:dj@tlI] - немедленно) .
    The next morning when he awoke (на следующее утро, когда он проснулся; to awake) , he couldn't remember what her answer was! (он не мог припомнить, каков был ее ответ) "Was she happy? (она была счастлива = рада) I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny… (кажется, подождите, нет, она смотрела на меня странно; fun — веселье, забава; funny — забавно; странно) "
    After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail (после часа бесполезных попыток вспомнить; avail — польза [@'veIl]) , he gave her a call (он позвонил ей) . Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal (смущенный, он признался, что не помнит ее ответа на предложение; proposal [pr@'p@uz(@)l]) .
    "Oh," she said, "I'm so glad you called (я так рада, что вы позвонили) . I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was (я помню, что сказала "да" кому–то, но я не могла вспомнить, кто это был) ."

    An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
    The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…"
    After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
    "Oh," she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

    I'm so glad you called.

    Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation (две пожилые четы наслаждались дружеской беседой) when one of the men asked the other (когда один из мужчин спросил другого) , "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month? (ну и как "клиника памяти" — т.е.: восстановления памяти), в которую ты ходил в прошлом месяце) "
    "Outstanding (замечательно; outstanding — выдающийся) ," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me (нас научили нас всем последним психологическим приемам: визуализации, ассоциации — это "сделало" огромную разницу для меня = это мне очень помогло; psychological [saIk@'lOdZIk@l] techniques [tek'ni:ks]) ."
    "That's great! What was the name of the clinic? (как называлась клиника) "
    Fred went blank (был озадачен; blank — озадаченный, смущенный) . He thought and thought, but couldn't remember (он думал и думал, но не мог вспомнить) .
    Then a smile broke across his face (затем улыбка появилась /to break — здесь: проступить/ на его лице) and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns? (как ты называешь = как называется тот цветок, с длинным стеблем и шипами) "
    "You mean a rose? (ты имеешь в виду розу) "
    "Yes, that's it! (точно, вот именно: «это /есть/ оно») "
    He turned to his wife… (он повернулся к жене) "Rose, what was the name of that clinic? (Роза, как называлась та клиника) "

    Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
    "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques — visulization, association — it made a huge difference for me."
    "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
    Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
    "You mean a rose?"
    "Yes, that's it!"
    He turned to his wife… "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

    It made a huge difference for me.
    That's great!
    Yes, that's it!
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  5. #13
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
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    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says (маленький мальчик на свадьбе смотрит на свою маму и говорит) , "Mommy, why does the girl wear white? (мама, почему на девушке белое; to wear — носить) "
    His mom replies, "The bride (невеста) is in white because she's happy (потому что она счастлива) and this is the happiest day of her life (и это самый счастливый день в ее жизни) ."
    The boy thinks about this (размышляет над этим) , and then (затем) says, "Well then (ну, а тогда) , why is the boy wearing black? (почему на молодом человеке черное) "

    A little boy at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
    His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
    The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

    This is the happiest day of my life.

    The newly wed wife (молодая жена: newly — недавно, только что; to wed — отдавать замуж; вступать в брак) said to her husband (сказала своему мужу) when he returned from work (когда он вернулся с работы) , "I have great news for you (у меня для тебя потрясающая новость) . Pretty soon (совсем скоро) , we're going to be three in this house instead of two (нас будет трое в этом доме вместо двоих) ."
    Her husband ran to her (подбежал к ней /to run–ran–run/) with a smile on his face (с улыбкой на лице) and delight in his eyes (и восторгом в глазах) .
    He was glowing of happiness (он светился от счастья) and kissing his wife when she said (и целовал жену, когда она сказала) , "I'm glad that you feel this way (я рада, что ты так это воспринял) since tomorrow morning(так как завтра утром) my mother moves in with us (моя мать переезжает к нам) ."

    The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
    Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

    I have great news for you.
    I'm glad that you feel this way.

    A police officer in a small town (офицер полиции в маленьком городке) stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street (остановил автомобилиста, который слишком быстро ехал по главной улице) .
    "But, officer," the man began (начал /to begin–began–begun/) , "I can explain… (я могу объяснить) "
    "Just be quiet ("тихо") ," snapped the officer (оборвал; to snap — щелкать, защелкиваться, хлопать; резко обрывать /кого–то/, обрывать /разговор/) . "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail (я собираюсь дать тебе "остудить твои пятки" в тюрьме, в камере) until the chief gets back (пока не вернется начальник) ."
    "But, officer, I just wanted to say… (но, офицер, я как раз хотел сказать) "
    "And I said to keep quiet! (а я сказал, помолчи) You're going to jail! (ты отправляешься в тюрьму) "
    A few hours later the officer looked in (несколько часов спустя офицер заглянул) on his prisoner (к своему заключенному; prison — тюрьма) and said, "Lucky for you ("удачно для тебя") that the chief's at his daughter's wedding (что начальник на свадьбе своей дочери) . He'll be in a good mood when he gets back (он будет в хорошем настроении, когда вернется) ."
    "Don't count on it (не рассчитывай на это) ," answered the fellow in the cell (ответил парень в камере) . "I'm the groom (я жених) ."

    A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
    "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain…"
    "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
    "But, officer, I just wanted to say…"
    "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
    "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

    Keep (be) quiet!
    I just wanted to say…
    Don't count on it.

    There is an envelope (конверт; envelope ['@nvIl@up]) on the windshield (на лобовом стекле: wind — ветер + shield — щит) with a note of apology (с извинительной запиской) and two tickets to a music concert (и двумя билетами на "музыкальный концерт") . The note reads (записка гласит) , "I apologize for taking your car (я извиняюсь за "взятие" = за то, что взял вашу машину) , but my wife was having a baby (но моя жена начала рожать) and I had to hot–wire your ignition (мне пришлось включить ваше зажигание; hot — горячий; wire — проволока; провод) to rush her to the hospital (чтобы примчать ее в госпиталь) . Please forgive the inconvenience (пожалуйста, извините за неудобство; inconvenience [Ink@n'vInIens]) . Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks (здесь два билета на сегодняшний вечерний концерт Гарта Брукса) , the country–and–western music star (звезду стиля кантри–и–вестерн) ."
    Their faith in humanity restored (/после того, как/ их вера в человечество восстановилась) , the couple attends the concert (пара посещает концерт) and returns home late (и возвращается домой поздно) . They find their house has been robbed (они находят, обнаруживают, что их дом был ограблен) . Valuable goods have been taken (ценные вещи взяты) from throughout the house ("из всего дома") , from basement to attic (от подвала: «фундамента» до чердака) . And, there is a note on the door reading (гласящая) , "Well, you still have your car (ну, у вас по–прежнему = все же еще есть ваша машина) . I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I? (я должен провести моего новорожденного ребенка через колледж как–нибудь, каким–либо способом, не так ли = мне же приходится думать, на какие деньги я дам образование своему ребенку) "

    There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot–wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country–and–western music star."
    Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert and returns home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

    I apologize for taking your car.
    Please forgive the inconvenience.
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  6. #14
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
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    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    A dietician (диетолог; dietician [dI@'tISn]) was once addressing a large audience in Chicago (однажды обращался к многочисленной аудитории в Чикаго) . "The material we put into our stomachs (веществ, которые мы пихаем в наши желудки; stomach ['stVm@k]) is enough to have killed most of us sitting here (достаточно, чтобы уже убить большинство из нас, сидящих здесь) , years ago (годы назад) . Red meat is awful (мясо с кровью ужасно) . Vegetables can be disastrous (овощи могут быть губительными; disastrous [dI'za:str@s]; disaster — бедствие) , and none of us realizes (и никто из нас не отдает себе отчета) the germs in our drinking water (о бактериях в нашей питьевой воде) . But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it (но есть одна вещь, самая опасная из всех и мы все это едим) . Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? (может кто–нибудь здесь сказать мне, о каком смертоносном продукте я говорю) You, sir, in the first row(вы, сэр, в первом ряду) please give us your idea (пожалуйста, "дайте" нам вашу идею = как вы полагаете) ."
    The man lowered his head and said (человек опустил голову и сказал) , "Wedding cake (свадебный пирог)."

    A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
    The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

    It can be disastrous.
    Please give us your idea.

    Three guys were fishing in a lake one day (трое человек рыбачили на озере однажды) , when an angel appeared in the boat (когда ангел возник в лодке) .
    When the three astonished (изумленные) men had settled down enough to speak (пришли в себя настолько, чтобы говорить; to settle — поселиться, водвориться; успокоиться) , the first guy asked the angel humbly (робко) , "I've suffered (мучаюсь) from back pain (болью в спине) ever since I took shrapnel (с тех самых пор, как я получил осколки) in the Vietnam War… (во Вьетнамской войне) Could you help me? (ты мог бы помочь мне) "
    "Of course (конечно) ," the angel said, and when he touched (дотронулся) the man's back, the man felt relief (почувствовал облегчение /to feel–felt–felt/) for the first time in years (первый раз за годы) .
    The second guy wore very thick glasses (второй парень носил очень толстые очки /to wear–wore–wore/) and had a hard time reading and driving (и ему было тяжело: "имел тяжелое время" читать и водить машину) . He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight (не мог бы ангел сделать что–нибудь с его плохим: «жалким» зрением) .
    The angel smiled (улыбнулся) , removed (снял) the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake (швырнул их в озеро) . When they hit the water (когда они ударились о воду) , the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly (глаза человека "прояснились", и он смог видеть все отчетливо) .
    When the angel turned to the third guy (к третьему) , the guy put his hands out defensively (выставил руки, защищаясь) - "Don't touch me! (не трогай меня) " he cried (воскликнул) , "I'm on a disability pension (я на инвалидном пособии; disability [dIza'bIlItI] - нетрудоспособность) ."

    Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
    When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War… Could you help me?"
    "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
    The second guy wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.
    The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
    When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively — "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

    Could you help me?
    Don't touch me!

    Two men went bear hunting (два человека пошли на медвежью охоту) . While one stayed in the cabin (пока один остался в хижине) , the other went out looking for a bear (другой вышел в поисках: "ища" медведя) . He soon found a huge bear (вскоре он нашел большого медведя) , shot at it (выстрелил в него /to shoot–shot–shot/) but only wounded it (но только ранил его) .
    The enraged (взбешенный; rage — бешенство, ярость) bear charged toward him (пошел на него; to charge — атаковать) , he dropped his rifle (бросил ружье; rifle [raIfl]) and started running (и побежал) for the cabin as fast as he could (так быстро, как мог) . He ran pretty fast (очень быстро) but the bear was just a little faster (но медведь был все–таки немного быстрее) and gained on him with every step (нагонял его с каждым шагом) . Just as he reached the open cabin door (как раз когда он добежал: «достиг» до открытой двери хижины) , he tripped and fell flat (споткнулся и упал плашмя /to fall–fell–fallen/) .
    Too close behind to stop (/будучи/ слишком близко "сзади", чтобы остановиться) , the bear tripped over him (споткнулся о него) and went rolling (ввалился) into the cabin.
    The man jumped up (подпрыгнул) , closed (закрыл) the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside (прокричал "своему другу внутри") ,
    "You skin this one (ты снимай шкуру с этого) while I go and get another! (пока я пойду и возьму, добуду другого) "

    Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
    The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
    Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
    The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,
    "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

    A father and son went fishing one day (отец и сын пошли на рыбалку в один день) . While they were out in the boat (пока они были в лодке) , the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him (вдруг стал любопытным по отношению к миру вокруг него) . He asked his father (он спросил своего отца) , "How does this boat float? (как эта лодка держится на воде) "
    The father replied, "Don't rightly know, son (точно не знаю, сынок; rightly — правильно, верно, точно) ."
    A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked (немного позже мальчик посмотрел на своего отца и спросил) , "How do fish breath underwater? (как рыба дышит под водой) "
    Once again (еще раз, снова) the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
    A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue? (почему небо голубое) "
    Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." Finally (наконец) , the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? (папа, ты не против "моего задавания" тебе всех этих вопросов) "
    The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin' (конечно нет, /если/ не задаешь вопросов, никогда ничего и не узнаешь) ."

    A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
    The father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
    A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
    Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
    A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
    Again, the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
    Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
    The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

    Don't rightly know.
    Do you mind my asking you all of these questions?
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  7. #15
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
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    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven (все на Земле умирают и отправляются на небеса) . God comes and says (Бог приходит и говорит) , "I want the men to make two lines (я хочу, чтобы мужчины составили два ряда, построились в два ряда) . One line for the men that dominated their women on earth (доминировали, главенствовали над своими женами на Земле) and the other line for the men that were whipped (были покорены: «высечены») by their women. Also (также) , I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
    Said and done (сказано — сделано), the next time, God looks (в следующий раз Бог смотрит) the women are gone ("ушедшие") and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long (длиной 100 миль) , on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man (был только один человек) .
    God got mad (разгневался /to get–got–got/: «стал рассерженным»; mad — сумасшедший, безумный; рассерженный) and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves (вы, мужчины, должны стыдится самих себя) . I created you in my image (я создал вас по своему образу) , and you were all whipped by your mates (вашими супругами) . Look at the only one of my sons (посмотрите на всего лишь одного из моих сыновей) that stood up and made me proud (который был на высоте, выстоял и "сделал меня гордым" /to stand–stood–stood/; to stand up — вставать; оказываться прочным) , learn from him! (учитесь у него) Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? (скажи им, сын мой, как ты ухитрился быть единственным в этом ряду) "
    The man said, "I don't know (я не знаю) . My wife told me to stand here (моя жена сказала мне встать здесь /to tell–told–told/) ."

    Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
    Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
    God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
    The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

    You should be ashamed of yourself.
    Learn from him!

    While sports fishing off the Florida coast (во время спортивной рыбалки у побережья Флориды) , a tourist capsized his boat (турист опрокинул лодку) . He could swim (он умел плавать /can–could/), but his fear of alligators (но его боязнь крокодилов) kept him clinging to the overturned craft (заставляла его держаться за перевернутую посудину; craft — судно) .
    Spotting an old beachcomber (заметив старого бродягу: beach — пляж + to comb — чесать; beachcomber — житель тихоокеанских островов, зарабатывающий на жизнь добыванием жемчуга и подобными вещами) standing on the shore (стоящего на берегу) , the tourist shouted (закричал) ,"Are there any gators around here?! (здесь есть крокодилы) "
    "Naw (не–е) ," the man hollered back (откликнулся; to holler — орать) , "they ain't been around for years! (их нет здесь уже годы; ain’t = have not, are not, is not) "
    Feeling safe (почувствовав себя в безопасности) , the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore (начал плыть расслабленно по направлению к берегу) .
    About halfway there (на полпути туда) he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators? (как вы избавились от крокодилов) "
    "We didn't do nothin' (мы ничего не делали) ," the beachcomber said.
    "The sharks got 'em (акулы их съели) ."

    While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
    Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
    "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
    Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
    About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
    "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
    "The sharks got 'em."

    How'd you get rid of the gators?

    An avid duck hunter (заядлый: «страстный, жадный» охотник на уток) was in the market for a new bird dog (пришел был в магазин за новой собакой для охоты /на птицу/) . His search ended (его поиск окончился; to search — искать, просматривать) when he found a dog (когда он нашел собаку /to find–found–found/) that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck (которая могла фактически идти по воде для того, чтобы достать утку; to retrieve — извлекать, вынимать; доставать и приносить охотнику дичь) .
    Shocked by his find (потрясенный своей находкой) , he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him (он был уверен, что никто из его друзей никогда не поверит ему) .
    He decided to try (он решил попробовать) to break the news (поделиться новостью) to a friend of his (со своим другом), the eternal pessimist (вечным пессимистом) who refused to be impressed with anything (который отказывался "быть впечатленным", поражаться чему–либо) . This, surely, would impress him (это, конечно, его впечатлит) . He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog (он пригласил его поохотиться с ним и с его новой собакой) .
    As they waited by the shore (когда они ждали на берегу) , a flock of ducks flew by (стая уток пролетела мимо /to fly–flew–flown/) . They fired, and a duck fell (они выстрелили, и утка упала /to fall–fell–fallen/) . The dog responded (среагировала; to respond — отвечать, реагировать) and jumped into the water (прыгнула в воду) . The dog, however (однако) , did not sink (не погрузилась /to sink–sank–sunk/) but instead (вместо этого) walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet (не намочив ничего, кроме лап) . This continued all day long (это продолжалось весь день) ; each time (каждый раз) a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface (по поверхности) of the water to retrieve it.
    The pessimist watched carefully (наблюдал внимательно), saw everything (видел все) , but did not say a single word (но не сказал ни единого слова) .
    On the drive home (по пути /в машине/ домой) the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? (ты заметил что–нибудь необычное в моем новом псе) "
    "I sure did (конечно, да) ," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim (он не умеет плавать) ."

    An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
    He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
    As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
    The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
    On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
    "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

    Did you notice anything unusual about it?
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  8. #16
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
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    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    Tom was so excited (был так взволнован) about his promotion (по поводу своего продвижения по службе) to Vice President (до вице–президента) of the company he worked for (компании, в которой он работал) and kept bragging (продолжал хвастаться) about it (этим: «об этом») to his wife (своей жене) for weeks (недели напролет) .
    Finally (наконец) she couldn't take it any longer (она не могла терпеть, выносить это дольше) , and told him (и сказала ему /to tell–told–told/) , "Listen (послушай) , it means nothing (это ничего не значит) , they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store! («у них» есть даже главный (вице–президент) по гороху в продуктовом магазине) ."
    "Really? (правда) " he said (сказал он /to say–said–said/) . Not sure if this was true or not (неуверенный в том, правда это или нет), Tom decided to call (решил позвонить) the grocery store.
    A clerk answers (секретарь отвечает) and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas? (пожалуйста, могу я поговорить с вице–президентом по гороху) "
    The clerk replies (отвечает) , "Canned or frozen? (консервированному или замороженному; to freeze — замораживать) "

    Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks.
    Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
    "Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
    A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
    The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

    Listen, it means nothing.
    Really?
    Can I please talk to the Vice President?

    Two men were digging a ditch (двое /людей/ копали ров) on a very hot day (очень жарким днем) .
    One said to the other (один сказал другому) , "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch (почему мы внизу в этой дыре, яме копаем ров) when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree? (когда наш начальник стоит там наверху в тени дерева) "
    "I don't know (я не знаю)," responded the other (ответил другой). "I'll ask him (я спрошу его) ."
    So he climbed out of the hole (он вылез из ямы) and went to his boss (и подошел к начальнику) . "Why (почему) are we digging in the hot sun (на жарком солнце) and you're standing in the shade?"
    "Intelligence (смекалка; сообразительность /- вот причина/) ," the boss said.
    "What do you mean, 'intelligence'? (что вы имеете в виду, сообразительность) "
    The boss said, "Well, I'll show you (ну давай, я покажу тебе) . I'll put my hand on this tree (я положу руку на это дерево) and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can (я хочу, чтобы ты ударил по ней /твоим/ кулаком так сильно, как можешь) ."
    The ditch digger ("копальщик" рва) took a mighty swing (взял мощный размах /to take–took–taken/) and tried (попытался) to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed (отодвинул) his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
    The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
    The ditch digger went back (вернулся /to go–went–gone/) to his hole. His friend (друг) asked, "What did he say?"
    "He said we are down here because of (из–за) intelligence."
    "What's intelligence?" said the friend.
    The ditch digger put his hand on his face (на свое лицо) and said, "Take your shovel (возьми лопату) and hit my hand."

    Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
    One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"
    "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
    So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
    "Intelligence," the boss said.
    "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
    The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
    The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
    The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
    The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"
    "He said we are down here because of intelligence."
    "What's intelligence?" said the friend.
    The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

    What do you mean?

    Three Englishmen were in a bar (три англичанина были в баре) and spotted an Irishman (заметили ирландца) . So, one of the Englishmen walked over (один из англичан подошел) to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder (хлопнул его по плечу) , and said, "Hey, I hear (я слышу) your St. Patrick was a drunken loser (был пьяница–неудачник; to lose — терять; проигрывать) ."
    "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that (правда? Я этого не знал) ."
    Puzzled (озадаченный) , the Englishman walked back to his buddies (вернулся к приятелям) . "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care (а его это не задело; ему было все равно; to care — заботиться, волноваться) ."
    The second Englishman remarked (заметил) , "You just don't know how to set him off… (ты просто не знаешь как вывести его из себя) watch and learn (смотри и учись) ." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying (был лживым) , idiotic (идиотичным) , low–life scum! (нищим, влачащим жалкое существование мерзавцем; scum — пена, подонок) "
    "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
    Shocked beyond belief (невероятно потрясенный: beyond — за пределом; belief — вера) , the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right (ты прав) . He's unshakable! (он не "потрясаем"; его не расшевелить; to shake — трясти, встряхивать) "
    The third Englishman remarked, "Boys (парни) , I'll really tick him off… just watch (я действительно его "заведу"… только смотрите) ." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
    "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying (пытались) to tell me."

    Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
    "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
    Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care."
    The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off… watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low–life scum!"
    "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
    Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
    The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off… just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
    "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

    Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.
    Watch and learn!
    You're right.
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  9. #17
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    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    A visitor from Holland (гость из Голландии) was chatting with his American friend (беседовал со своим американским другом) and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag (и шутя объяснял "о" красном, белом и голубом на флаге Нидерландов) .
    "Our flag symbolizes our taxes (наш флаг символизирует наши налоги) ," he said. "We get red when we talk about them (мы краснеем, когда говорим о них) , white when we get our tax bill (белеем, когда получаем налоговую квитанцию) , and blue after we pay them (и синеем; становимся грустными после того, как их заплатим — игра слов: blue — синий, голубой и blue — грустный, печальный) ."
    "That's the same with us (то же и с нами) ," the American said, "only we see stars, too (только мы еще видим звезды; сравните: I saw stars = у меня звезды посыпались из глаз) ."

    A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
    "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
    "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

    A family was visiting an Indian reservation (семья посещала индейскую резервацию) when they happen upon an old tribesman (когда они случайно натыкаются на старика из племени; tribe — племя) laying face down in the middle оf the road (лежащего лицом вниз посреди дороги) with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop (с ухом, крепко прижатым к асфальту; blacktop — щебеночно–асфальтовое покрытие) .
    The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing (отец семейства спросил старика, что он делает) .
    The tribesman began to speak… (начал говорить /to begin–began–begun/) "woman (женщина) , late thirties (под сорок лет) , three kids (трое детей) , one barking dog (лающая собака) in late model, four door station wagon (в четырехдверном фургоне последней модели) , traveling at 65 m.p.h (едущим со скоростью 65 миль в час) ."
    "That's amazing! (невероятно) " exclaimed (воскликнул) the father.
    "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground? (вы можете все это сказать, просто слушая землю) "
    "No," said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago! (они просто переехали меня пять минут назад) "

    A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
    The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
    The tribesman began to speak…"woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
    "That's amazing!" exclaimed the father.
    "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?"
    "No," said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"

    That's amazing!

    A prominent Polish scientist (выдающийся польский ученый) conducted very important experiment (проводил очень важный эксперимент; experiment [Iks'perIment]) . He trained a flea to jump (он учил блоху прыгать) upon giving her a verbal command "Jump!" (давая ей устную команду — "прыжок")
    In a first stage (на первой стадии) of experiment he removed flea's leg (удалил блошиную лапку) , told (сказал /to tell–told–told/) her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook (записал в своей "научной" тетрадке) "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly (после удаления одной лапки все блошиные органы функционируют должным образом) ."
    So, he removed the second (вторую) leg, asked (попросил, скомандовал) the flea to jump, she obeyed (подчинилась) , so he wrote again (снова) : "Upon removing the second (второй) leg all flea organs function properly."
    Thereafter (после этого) he removed all the legs but one (все лапки, кроме одной) , the flea jumped when ordered (когда ей было приказано) , so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next (следующей) leg all flea organs function properly."
    Then he removed the last (последнюю) leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened (ничего не произошло) . He did not want (он не хотел) to take a chance (полагаться на случай) , so he repeated (повторил) the experiment several times (несколько раз) , and the legless (безногая) flea never (никогда = вовсе не) jumped. So he wrote the conclusion (вывод) : "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing (теряет слух: "чувство слуха") ."

    A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command "Jump!"
    In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."
    So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."
    Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."
    Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the legless flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing."

    The Irish girl knelt (ирландская девушка стала на колени /to kneel–knelt–knelt/) in the confessional (на исповеди: «в исповедальне»; to confess — признавать/ся/; исповедовать/ся/) and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned (благословите меня = отпустите грехи, отче, ибо я согрешила) ."
    "What is it ("что это" = что ты сделала, что случилось) , child? (дитя) "
    The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity (я совершила грех тщеславия) . Twice a day (дважды в день) I gaze at myself in the mirror (я разглядываю себя в зеркало; to gaze — пристально глядеть) and tell myself how beautiful I am (и говорю себе, как я прекрасна) ."
    The priest turned (священник повернулся) , took a good look (внимательно посмотрел: "взял хороший взгляд" /to take–took–taken/) at the girl, and said, "My dear (моя дорогая) , I have good news (у меня хорошие новости) . That isn't a sin — it's only a mistake (это не грех — это только ошибка) ."

    The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
    "What is it, child?"
    The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
    The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin — it's only a mistake."

    What is it?
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  10. #18
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
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    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    An aged farmer and his wife (фермер в возрасте и его жена) were leaning against the edge of their pig–pen (стояли, прислонившись к краю их свинарника; pen — небольшой загон для скота) when the old woman wistfully recalled (когда старая женщина грустно = с грустью вспомнила) that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary (что на следующей неделе будет золотая годовщина их свадьбы; to mark — выделять, отмечать) .
    "Let's have a party, Homer (давай устроим вечеринку, Гомер) ," she suggested (она предложила) . "Let's kill a pig (давай убьем = зарежем свинью) ."
    The farmer scratched his grizzled head (поскреб свою седую голову) . "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered ("Но Этель", он наконец ответил) , "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago (я не понимаю, почему свинья должна расплачиваться: "взять вину” за то, что случилось 50 лет назад) ."

    An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig–pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
    "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
    The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

    Let's have a party.

    A man is driving down a country road (человек едет по проселочной дороге) , when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass (когда он замечает фермера, стоящего посреди большого поля травы) . He pulls the car over to the side of the road (он направляет машину к обочине дороги) and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing (и замечает, что фермер просто стоит там, не делая ничего, смотря "ни на что") .
    The man gets out of the car (выходит из машины) , walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him (проходит весь путь к фермеру = доходит до фермера, подходит прямо к фермеру и спрашивает его) , "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? (простите, мистер, но что вы делаете) "
    The farmer replies (отвечает) , "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize (я пытаюсь получить Нобелевскую премию; to win — выиграть) ."
    "How? (как) " asks the man, puzzled (озадаченный) .
    "Well, I heard they give (ну, я слышал /to hear–heard–heard/, что дают) the Nobel Prize … to people who are out standing in their field (игра слов: out standing — стоящий "снаружи", "на улице" и outstanding — выдающийся; field: 1) поле, 2) область /знаний, деятельности и т.д./) ".

    A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
    The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
    The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
    "How?" asks the man, puzzled.
    "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

    Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

    A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation (техасский фермер едет в Австралию в отпуск) . There he meets an Aussie farmer (там он встречает австралийского фермера) and gets talking (и начинает разговаривать) . The Aussie shows off (показывает, хвастается) his big wheat field (своим большим пшеничным полем) and the Texan says (говорит) , "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large (у нас пшеничные поля, по крайней мере, вдвое больше) ."
    Then they walk around the ranch a little (потом они немного проходят по ферме) and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle (свое стадо скота) . The Texan immediately (тут же) says, "We have longhorns (- порода коров, первоначально разводившаяся в Англии, теперь преимущественно в США, в юго–западных штатах: long — длинный + horn — рог) that are at least twice as large as your cows (по крайней мере, вдвое больше твоих коров) ."
    The conversation (беседа) has, meanwhile (к тому времени), almost died (почти угасла) when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos (стадо кенгуру) hopping through the field (прыгающих через поле) . He asks, "And what are those?"
    The Aussie asks with an incredulous look (с недоверчивым взглядом; incredulous [In'kredjul@s]) , "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas? (Разве у вас в Техасе нет кузнечиков) "

    A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
    Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
    The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
    The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

    We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

    A bus load of politicians (автобус, полный политиков; load — груз; to load — грузить) were driving down a country road one afternoon (ехали по сельской дороге однажды после полудня) , when all of a sudden (когда вдруг) , the bus ran off the road (съехал с дороги /to run–ran–run/) and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field (и врезался в дерево на поле старого фермера) .
    Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate (видя, что случилось, старый фермер подошел "исследовать" /to go–went–gone/) . He then proceeded (затем он принялся; proceed [pr@'si:d]) to dig a hole and bury the politicians (рыть яму и хоронить политиков) .
    A few days later (несколько дней спустя) , the local sheriff (местный шериф) came out (появился, выехал на место происшествия) , saw the crashed bus (увидел врезавшийся автобус /to see–saw–seen/) , and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead? (они все были мертвы) "
    The old farmer replied (ответил) , "Well, some of them said they weren't (ну, некоторые из них сказали, что нет = что не были) , but you know (но вы знаете) how them politicians lie (как врут эти политики) ."

    A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
    Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
    A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
    The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

    But you know how them politicians lie.

    Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday (дедушка отмечал свой 100–й день рождения) and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well–preserved he appeared (и каждый делал ему комплименты по поводу того, каким спортивным и хорошо сохранившимся он предстал; to appear — появляться, оказываться) .
    "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success (господа, я скажу вам секрет моего успеха) ," he cackled (прокудахтал) . "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now (я был на открытом воздухе день за днем вот уже около 75 лет) ."
    The celebrants (собравшиеся гости: «празднующие») were impressed (были впечатлены) and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime (как он сумел сохранить такой строгий режим занятий зарядкой, спортом; fitness — пригодность; хорошая форма) .
    "Well, you see, my wife and I were married 75 years ago (видите ли, моя жена и я поженились 75 лет назад) . On our wedding night (в нашу брачную ночь) , we made a solemn pledge (мы дали торжественное обещание; pledge — обет, обещание) . Whenever we had a fight (когда бы мы ни поссорились; fight — бой; спор, ссора) , the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk (тот, кто окажется: «будет доказан» неправым, выходит из дому прогуляться) ."

    Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well–preserved he appeared.
    "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
    The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
    "Well, you see, my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

    I’ll take a walk.

    It was three o'clock in the morning (было три часа утра) , and the receptionist (дежурная, портье) at a posh hotel (в шикарном отеле) was just dozing off (дремала, засыпала) , when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming (когда маленькая старушка подбежала к ней, крича) . "Please come quickly! (пожалуйста, идите быстрее) " she yelled (она вопила) , "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!! (я только что видела голого мужчину за своим окном /to see–saw–seen/) "
    The receptionist immediately (немедленно) rushed up (помчалась наверх) to the old lady's room (в комнату старой леди) .
    "Where is he? (где он) " asked the receptionist.
    "He's over there (он вон там) ," replied (ответила) the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel (показывая на жилой дом напротив отеля) . The receptionist looked over (поглядела туда) and could see a man with no shirt on (и "смогла увидеть" мужчину без рубашки) , moving around his apartment (передвигающегося по своей квартире) .
    "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed (это, вероятно, человек, готовящийся пойти спать: «в кровать») ," she said reassuringly (она сказала успокаивающе) . "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up? (а как вы узнали, что он голый, вы можете видеть его только выше пояса) "
    "The dresser, honey! (туалетный столик, дорогая) " screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser! (попробуйте встать на туалетный столик) "

    It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
    "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
    "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
    "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
    "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

    I’m going to bed.
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  11. #19
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
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    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    An airline captain (командир самолета) was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess (обучал очень хорошенькую блондинку — новую стюардессу; to break in — дрессировать, укрощать; дисциплинировать) . The route they were flying (маршрут, по которому они летели) had a stay–over in another city (имел остановку в другом городе) , so upon their arrival (так что, по их прибытии) , the captain showed (показал) the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat (лучшее место для персонала, где поесть) , shop (сделать покупки) and stay overnight (и остановиться на ночь) .
    The next morning (на следующее утро) as the pilot was preparing the crew (когда пилот готовил экипаж) for the day's route (к дневному маршруту) , he noticed (заметил) the new stewardess was missing (не хватает новой стюардессы) . He knew which room she was in at the hotel (он знал, в каком номере она была /to know–knew–known/) and called her up (позвонил ей) wondering what happened to her (недоумевая, что с ней случилось) .
    She answered the phone (она взяла трубку: «ответила по телефону») , sobbing (всхлипывая) , and said she couldn't get out of her room (и сказала, что не может выйти из своего номера) .
    "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not? ("почему нет") "
    The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here (здесь только три двери) ," she cried (плакала) , "one is the bathroom (одна — ванная) , one is the closet (одна - /стенной/ шкаф) , and one has a sign on it that says (а на одной вывеска, табличка, которая гласит) ,
    'Do Not Disturb'! (не беспокоить) "

    An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay–over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
    The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
    She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
    "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
    The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says,
    'Do Not Disturb'!"

    Do Not Disturb!

    A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work (молодой человек, нанятый супермаркетом, явился для своего первого дня работы; to report — доложить, рапортовать; явиться, предстать) . The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile (менеджер встретил его теплым рукопожатием и улыбкой) , gave him a broom (дал ему метлу) and said (и сказал) , "Your first job will be to sweep out the store (твое первое задание будет подмести в магазине) ."
    "But I'm a college graduate (но я выпускник колледжа) ," the young man replied indignantly (ответил возмущенно) .
    "Oh, I'm sorry (сожалею) . I didn't know that (я этого не знал) ," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom (давай–ка мне сюда метлу) - I'll show you how (я покажу тебе, как) ."

    A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
    "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
    "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom — I'll show you how."

    Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that.
    I'll show you how.

    Little Susan was mother's helper (крошка Сьюзан была маминой помощницей) . She helped to set the table (она помогала накрывать на стол) when company was due for dinner (должны были обедать) . Presently everything was on (вскоре все было на /столе/) , the guest came in (вошел гость) , and everyone sat down (и все сели /to sit–sat–sat/) . Then mother noticed (заметила) something was missing (чего–то недостает) .
    "Susan," she said (сказала) , "You didn't put a knife and fork (ты не положила нож и вилку) at Mr. Smith's place (на место мистера Смита)."
    "I thought he wouldn't need them (я подумала, они не будут ему нужны) ," explained (объяснила) Susan. "Daddy (папа) says he always eats like a horse! (он всегда ест, как лошадь) "

    Little Susan was mother's helper. She helped to set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then mother noticed something was missing.
    "Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place."
    "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"

    Something is missing.

    A blonde was walking along a river (блондинка шла вдоль реки) when she noticed (когда она заметила) another (другую) blonde on the opposite bank (на противоположном берегу) .
    She yells (она кричит) , " How do I get to the other side of the river? (как мне попасть на другую сторону реки) "
    The second (вторая) blonde replies (отвечает) , "You are on the other side… (ты на другой стороне) "

    A blonde was walking along a river when she noticed another blonde on the opposite bank.
    She yells, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"
    The second blonde replies, "You are on the other side…"

    How do I get to the other side of the river?

    Two women were in a hair salon (две женщины были в парикмахерской) talking about their home lives (разговаривая о своих домашних "жизнях") when the subject of flighty husbands came up (когда возникла тема ветреных мужей) .
    "It's unbelievable (это невероятно) ," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night (я никогда не могу разгадать, куда он ходит ночью, вечером) ."
    "I know exactly what you mean (я в точности знаю, что ты имеешь в виду) ," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house (в одно мгновенье он дома) , and the next he's gone without a trace (а в следующее он исчез без следа) ."
    "Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby (подслушивающая рядом) . "I always know where my husband is (я всегда знаю, где мой муж) ."
    "How do you manage that? (как вам это удается) " the other two women ask (спрашивают) .
    "Easy (легко) ," she replies (отвечает) . "I'm a widow (я вдова) ."

    Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up.
    "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."
    "I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a trace."
    "Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where my husband is."
    "How do you manage that?" the other two women ask.
    "Easy," she replies. "I'm a widow."

    It's unbelievable!
    I know exactly what you mean.
    How do you manage that?
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

  12. #20
    Гражданин Аватар для Vasil
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    Re: И смех и ... польза (адаптированные анекдоты на английском)

    Booking.com
    When I was a youngster (когда я был юнцом) ," complained the frustrated father (жаловался расстроенный отец) , "I was disciplined (я был наказываем; disciplin ['dIsIplIn]) by being sent to my room without supper ("отсыланием", тем, что меня отсылали в мою комнату без ужина /to send–sent–sent/) . But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player (но у моего сына есть его собственный цветной телевизор, телефон, компьютер, и СD плеер) ."
    "So what do you do? (и что же ты делаешь) " asked his friend (спросил его друг) .
    "I send him to MY room! (я посылаю его в мою комнату) "

    When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."
    "So what do you do?" asked his friend.
    "I send him to MY room!"

    So what do you do?

    A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant (посетитель надоедал официанту в ресторане) . First (во–первых) , he asked that the air conditioning be turned up (он попросил увеличить работу кондиционера; to turn — поворачивать) because he was too hot (потому что ему было слишком жарко) , then he asked it be turned down (уменьшить) ‘cause he was too cold (слишком холодно) , and so on for about half an hour (и так /продолжалось/ около получаса) .
    Surprisingly (неожиданно; вопреки ожиданиям; to surprise — поражать, удивлять) , the waiter was very patient (официант был очень терпеливым; patient ['peIS(@)nt]) , he walked back and forth (он ходил взад–вперед) and never once got angry (и ни разу не разозлился: "не стал сердитым") . So finally (в конце концов) , a second customer asked him (другой: "второй" посетитель спросил его) why he didn't throw out the pest (почему он не выгонит: «не выбросит» этого зануду; pest — мор, чума; бич, язва) .
    "Oh, I really don't care or mind (о, я совершенно не беспокоюсь и не забочусь) ," said the waiter with a smile (с улыбкой) . "We don't even have an air conditioner (у нас вообще: "даже" нет кондиционера) ."

    A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down ‘cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
    Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
    "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

    Oh, I really don't care or mind.

    A man visits his aunt in the nursing home (человек навещает свою тетушку в доме для престарелых; to nurse – нянчить; ухаживать за больным) . It turns out that she is taking a nap (при этом оказывается, что она дремлет; nap — короткий сон, дремота) , so he just sits down in a chair in her room (так что он просто садится на стул в ее комнате) , flips through a few magazines (просматривает несколько журналов; to flip — щелкать, ударять слегка; смахнуть /пепел с сигареты/) , and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table (жует понемногу арахис, находящийся в вазочке на столе) .
    Eventually (наконец) , the aunt wakes up (тетушка просыпается) , and her nephew realizes (и ее племянник понимает) he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl (он по рассеянности прикончил целую вазочку; absent — отсутствующий; mind — ум) .
    "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts! (извините, тетушка, я съел весь ваш арахис) "
    "That's okay, dearie (все нормально, дорогой) ," the aunt replied (ответила) . "After I've sucked the chocolate off (после того, как я обсосала шоколад) , I don't care for them anyway(меня они все равно не интересуют) ."

    A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
    Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl.
    "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
    "That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

    I’ll take a nap.
    Те, кто эмигрирует из Украины, попадают в лучший мир еще при жизни.

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